LinkI Won 3190 Travel Dollars!
Hey, guys! I just got the best phone call! My phone rang and I thought to myself, "Who would call at this hour? It's 2AM... maybe someone's in trouble... I'm very worried..." So I climbed out of the fridge and answered my telephonescalator (which is a telephone / escalator hybrid). Anyway, the sensually seductive man on the other end informed me that I in fact won 3190 travel dollars! I was so relieved that no one died! The paragraph below is a transcript of this life-changing conversation:
Hello? Hello... I am delighted to inform you that you have won 3190 travel dollars! WHAT!?!?!? THAT'S INCREDIBLE! How did I win these dollars? Well, we picked your phone number at random and you won! REALLY!? This is the first thing I have ever achieved in my life! I'm so happy, you guys! What can I do with these travel dollars? I'm glad you asked! You can use them at any Burger King in the Memphis and surrounding area from March 24th through March 25th. Cool! I love Burger King! Their burgers are so averagely delightful! GREAT! However, I regret to inform you that you need 3191 travel dollars to redeem the full amount Oh, no... But, that's okay! What can I do to earn 1 travel dollar? Well, considering you won 3190 (which is an amazing feat, I might add) you only have to pay $189.99 for the final travel dollar. Why, that sounds perfectly reasonable! Who do I make the cheque out to? Hold on just one minute, sir! You also have to get 16 of your friends or family members to sign up for travel dollars as well. Ok, that may take some effort, but like my momma always says, "You don't pickle the iron once you've folded your clothes" Okay! Great! So we will send you a package with further instructions so you can get started spending all those hard earned travel dollars as soon as possible! Super! Ok, bye! Bye, I love you... I love you, too...
I'm so excited now that I can't even think! YAY!
Travel dollars update #1: A few months ago I received their package and followed their directions carefully; I delivered the unmarked envelopes filled with magic poison dust to all the designated senators, I gave my wife to "Skinny" Anthony, and the 16 friends and family members I signed up are all hard at work in China making the latest fashions for Kanye West. I hope to hear from them soon!
Travel dollars update #2: I finally received my travel dollars! YAY! I got 3191 $1 off whopper coupons in a neat collector's Burger King shopping bag! They never said anything about a free bag! COOL! Too bad the coupons are expired. They'll look great in my scrapbook, though!
Travel dollars update #3: Today I found my wife dead and organless in my bathtub. There was a note on her that said, "Thanks for lending us a good time ~Skinny Anthony". Oh well... I guess opportunities like this may come at a price...
LinkMy Comedy Network Videos
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LinkUnderstanding Internet Nerds
I was aimlessly browsing the internets today (because life is short; you have to use your time wisely) and I posted on some forum for some video game. Basically, a fellow created a topic called "How many people..." and that annoyed me. Why? Because you don't know what the topic is about until you open it. It's like seeing bus bench ads that say "The Time Is Here - Call 555-9807". It's annoying, right? Anyway, I posted "How many people... like to make annoying topic titles" which I thought was a mildly entertaining thing to write. This kind fellow then starts to insult me because I call myself "Crazy A.J." He doesn't even seem to grasp the concept of what a nickname is. He's upset because I don't "display any qualities akin to craziness". Why is he really upset? Because I hurt his feelings. Anyway, I thought I should break this down in an article to get to the bottom of why nerds on the internet are actually as dumb as they appear to be.
So, why would somebody be upset if I'm not actually crazy yet my nickname is "Crazy A.J."? Is it because I'm insulting people who are actually crazy by posing as one of them? I would definitely understand people getting upset if my nickname was Nigger A.J. Now that is understandably offensive! In fact, I hope you're offended right now; I am and I typed it!
Another thing this gentleman did is something that I noticed internet nerds like to do a lot; insult people's sexuality. They usually do this in one of two ways; they either insinuate the person is homosexual or they insinuate the person is a virgin and can't get laid. First of all, being a homosexual isn't a bad thing at all. Who cares? Call me gay, I don't give a shit. My wife may disagree with your assessment, but you have fun! That's all that matters, after all. Secondly, no one who gets laid on a regular basis would ever insult someone by telling that someone they can't get laid. If you insult them like that then you're basically telling them that you in fact don't have regular sex. It's the same concept behind why ugly people always criticise beautiful people's appearances. They do it because it hides the fact that they're ugly; just like these nerds hide the fact that the only flesh their penis gets to see is their own right hand. And again, I don't mind getting insulted this way either because it's simply not true.
I guess nerds just want everyone to agree with them (which will never happen) so that their opinions will be considered facts and their flaws will not be seen by any. As a side note, even if this were to happen they'd probably still find something to be cranky about. I guess, in the end, nerds want to achieve the impossible and I admire that in a way. It's adorable.
LinkMore Nonsense At Twitter
If you think my articles are retarded; check out my twitter page! My tweets will have you on the verge of laughter.
LinkDid You Shit Your Pets Today?
I have developed a new type of veterinary surgery after years of experimentation on midgets. The procedure is very inexpensive and very effective. Basically, using a series of lasers and shots of liquid nitrogen to the anus, I can tighten an animal's sphincter muscles. This restricts the animal from defecating on its own accord. To allow the animal to defecate simply inject its spine with radium and squeeze its abdomen firmly. This act is scientifically dubbed "shitting your pet" because instead of your pet shitting whenever and wherever it pleases; you shit the pet whenever and wherever you please.
There are some medical risks, however. In the first 2 weeks of having your pet "shit out of luck" there will be minor rectal bleeding followed by intense shivers. Also, if you don't shit your pet regularly they may experience fecal lactation and brown cataracts. Some general side effects may include receding firline, frothy bunions, hairy angina, leaky shingles and loss of lung. Hopefully this procedure will catch on so that shit would no longer just happen; you would make shit happen.