Political Correctness Is Mentally Challenged
I just want to start by saying that no one should ever think negatively of anyone else ever! Why? Because they could be mentally challenged. I have a friend, well ex-friend now, who is so closed-minded it's insane. I went to the theatre with him last night and his behaviour is appalling. Let me tell you about my evening with him and then you try to tell me that he's actually worth keeping as a friend.
First, we went to Burger King for dinner. I love Burger King! Anyway, there was this kid who kept leaning over the booth behind me and flicking my ear and laughing. The parents must have not noticed and I was fine with it because the kid might be mentally challenged. My friend on the other hand has the nerve to suggest that I ask him to stop! Excuse me, buddy, do we even share the same planet? The kid could be mentally challenged! I just ignored his asinine comment. It's not worth arguing about. After that, we walked to the theatre and on the way a vehicle drove through a puddle and covered us with mud. The driver called us faggots, too. I felt really bad for him, though, because he's probably mentally challenged. My uninspired friend on the other hand was so rude! He even yelled back a bad name that I shall not repeat! I can't believe how insensitive he is. Why is he even my friend?
We arrived at the theatre and there was a big line-up. My friend and I were talking about our favourite TV shows to pass the time. I mentioned how I absolutely love Two and a Half Men and he informed me that he actually does not quite enjoy that show very much! What? Do we live in the stone age or something? The people who write that show could be mentally challenged! Never mind that, Charlie Sheen could be mentally challenged for all he knows! How dare he! But I digress. Eventually we got our seats and the movie started. The people behind us were kicking our seats and talking really loud and I found it hard to concentrate on the film. However, I was happy that they were enjoying themselves. My friend whispered to me that maybe we should move somewhere else. Are you kidding me? That was it. I couldn't handle it anymore. I stood up and turned around and I said to the people behind me, "Excuse me! I apologise for my rude friend here. He wanted to move somewhere else in the theatre since it's hard to concentrate on the film while sitting in front of you nice people. My friend doesn't even realise that you guys are probably mentally challenged and therefore can't control yourselves. I am deeply sorry." These poor lost souls took my kind words as an insult somehow and they proceeded to hit me repeatedly and it hurt a lot. However, after I awoke in the hospital this morning, I felt really good about myself for being such an open-minded and sensitive human being and I'm glad I'm not that beast's friend anymore.
More Nonsense At Twitter
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I Won 3190 Travel Dollars!
Hey, guys! I just got the best phone call! My phone rang and I thought to myself, "Who would call at this hour? It's 2AM... maybe someone's in trouble... I'm very worried..." So I climbed out of the fridge and answered my telephonescalator (which is a telephone / escalator hybrid). Anyway, the sensually seductive man on the other end informed me that I in fact won 3190 travel dollars! I was so relieved that no one died! The paragraph below is a transcript of this life-changing conversation:
Hello? Hello... I am delighted to inform you that you have won 3190 travel dollars! WHAT!?!?!? THAT'S INCREDIBLE! How did I win these dollars? Well, we picked your phone number at random and you won! REALLY!? This is the first thing I have ever achieved in my life! I'm so happy, you guys! What can I do with these travel dollars? I'm glad you asked! You can use them at any Burger King in the Memphis and surrounding area from March 24th through March 25th. Cool! I love Burger King! Their burgers are so averagely delightful! GREAT! However, I regret to inform you that you need 3191 travel dollars to redeem the full amount Oh, no... But, that's okay! What can I do to earn 1 travel dollar? Well, considering you won 3190 (which is an amazing feat, I might add) you only have to pay $189.99 for the final travel dollar. Why, that sounds perfectly reasonable! Who do I make the cheque out to? Hold on just one minute, sir! You also have to get 16 of your friends or family members to sign up for travel dollars as well. Ok, that may take some effort, but like my momma always says, "You don't pickle the iron once you've folded your clothes" Okay! Great! So we will send you a package with further instructions so you can get started spending all those hard earned travel dollars as soon as possible! Super! Ok, bye! Bye, I love you... I love you, too...
I'm so excited now that I can't even think! YAY!
Travel dollars update #1: A few months ago I received their package and followed their directions carefully; I delivered the unmarked envelopes filled with magic poison dust to all the designated senators, I gave my wife to "Skinny" Anthony, and the 16 friends and family members I signed up are all hard at work in China making the latest fashions for Kanye West. I hope to hear from them soon!
Travel dollars update #2: I finally received my travel dollars! YAY! I got 3191 $1 off whopper coupons in a neat collector's Burger King shopping bag! They never said anything about a free bag! COOL! Too bad the coupons are expired. They'll look great in my scrapbook, though!
Travel dollars update #3: Today I found my wife dead and organless in my bathtub. There was a note on her that said, "Thanks for lending us a good time ~Skinny Anthony". Oh well... I guess opportunities like this may come at a price...
Did You Shit Your Pets Today?
I have developed a new type of veterinary surgery after years of experimentation on midgets. The procedure is very inexpensive and very effective. Basically, using a series of lasers and shots of liquid nitrogen to the anus, I can tighten an animal's sphincter muscles. This restricts the animal from defecating on its own accord. To allow the animal to defecate simply inject its spine with radium and squeeze its abdomen firmly. This act is scientifically dubbed "shitting your pet" because instead of your pet shitting whenever and wherever it pleases; you shit the pet whenever and wherever you please.
There are some medical risks, however. In the first 2 weeks of having your pet "shit out of luck" there will be minor rectal bleeding followed by intense shivers. Also, if you don't shit your pet regularly they may experience fecal lactation and brown cataracts. Some general side effects may include receding firline, frothy bunions, hairy angina, leaky shingles and loss of lung. Hopefully this procedure will catch on so that shit would no longer just happen; you would make shit happen.